So here goes

Sunday 29 November

So, I decided to give up smoking. It’s Sunday night, and I’ve been fortified in alcohol since Wednesday (seriously, I am in no way an alcoholic, functioning or otherwise, but it was a bit of a bender – extreme to say the least for me) smoking my lungs out, painting the town red, amber and pinot gris…. And I have just had enough. It’s been coming on awhile…I quit for three weeks in June, until I spent 3 days in Sydney, in close company with my chain-smoking mother … its taken 5 months for me to get back to that point.

It was easy the first time. In June I had only been smoking for 18 months – since I moved to Wellington to climb first career-rung into the public service. A friend (a reformed smoker) told me that the first three days were awful, and it’s all down hill from there. In June it was easy, so I’m ready to give it another go.

Another reason for quitting is that there is a man. This man is wonderful and kind and sweet, and really likes me. So I am quitting with him in mind. I know that the means may not be ideal, but the end is justified, right?

So at 8:35pm I finished my last cigarette, dug out the nicorette, and I'm going to bed.


Monday 30 November

I have some suggestions for the Quitline website…..how come there is NO information about the side effects of quitting? As I said, it was fairly easy the first time round…but this time? Not so much.

I go to work, furiously chewing my nicorette, and I get to my desk and my hands WILL NOT STOP SHAKING!
OMG I feel like an alcoholic. It is hard to type. I feel jittery and shaky, I have a coffee and a banana, with not much improvement. I eat another nicorette. And another….and another….I start getting hot flushes…is it hot it here? No…my hearing starts fading…fortunately I have fainted before and know what to expect…I slump (gracefully I hope) to the floor…fortunately within the privacy of my booth so no one else sees…

WTF? The Quitline people never told me that could happen!
I had to go lie down in the sick bay for half an hour until I recovered. I spent the rest of the day jittery and distracted. I email the man and he is totally sweet and supportive, and v concerned for me. He says he will rethink that nicorette diet he was contemplating. I am smitten. Did I mention he lives in another country?

Tuesday 1 December.

I am feeling better today. The shaking is much better, the cravings are tolerable, and I am on a course. I am fortified with supplies, and am popping them like lollies. At lunch time it occurs to me how much I rely on my cigarettes, as a social crutch. Our lunch break is an hour, it takes 5-10min to eat, maybe another 4 in the loo..that leaves 46 minutes to NOT SMOKE. But then I will have to talk to people? I feel awkward, and mildly irritated at the thought of small talk. Yes I should have been networking, and I did make some attempt (promise!) but I spent most of the time reading the paper…..as did others at my table, grateful, I think, to take my lead!

After the course I went to see Julie/Julia. I have totally been wanting to see it for ages, have read the book, heard the rave reviews, and I LOVED it…..but they spent half the bloody movie SMOKING….thank God you can’t smoke in movie theatres! My all-time favourite movie of the year!

Had a wonderful conversation with the Man after the movie. He has some dubious ideas on poilitics and feminism, however I am in a position to gently educate him. While v impt to me, not a deal-breaker. He is happy and sweet, and I am feeling v happy.

Later on I speak to my mother, “I haven’t heard from you in ages”……although I bet neither of us could identify the last time she called me! She lights a cigarette while we are talking, she does not know about the quitting yet….I tell her, and tell her that she has to be supportive. I am flying up this weekend to see my family for my sister’s birthday. I have a feeling it will be an extremely difficult weekend……

Wednesday 2 December 2009

Today I don’t think people are being supportive enough. Altho my bestie is, as usual, great. I email the man to tell him that I was buzzing after our conversation last night…he responds in the affirmative….

No one asks how I am getting on! Not even my recently quit friend. Yes, I do have an inkling that in fact, I am being unreasonable.

Still a little crabby, no shaking, but still craving. I think I upset the man, I did upset the friend. I sorted it with the friend, but I think I scared the Man.

I met the Man three weeks ago, visiting the bestie overseas. It was a romance made on facebook. As in my bestie showed him my fb pics, and he was keen. I played it cool when I met him, three weeks ago,and as it turns out he is lovely. But he is in another country. And I am slightly frustrated. I want to see him!!!! But there is no way that I can jimmy him into my schedule before next yr! But prolly best to keep it slow after the romantically disastrous year I have had.

I don’t do game-playing well. Am just not that sorta chick…but people (my mother) say is all about the game playing – the thrill of the chase-type bull shit. It is totally not me. If I see something I want I just go for it…..although apparently this has not worked well for my relationships to date……..

I had a beer with dinner. NOT a good idea, now all I wanna do is smoke…or get drunk and smoke. Alcohol is not conducive to not smoking, apparently.

How am I going to survive the weekend with my family!!!!!