Hair there and everywhere

I have new hair! I am making good inroads into being blonde! Is ace! I also find that I get more attention as a blonde - last night I man nearly fell over the crub while he was staring at me SOOOOO HILAROUS!!!

Unfortunately the thing with the blond is that it makes my hair straight, and I love my curls! Apparently it will wear off, but I dont know if I can stand flat hair! So I was googling about my flat hair, and i found a fab website - www.naturallycurly.com and it is AWESOME for people with curls. Chanegd my life.

It is not just my hair behaving strangely - also feels like the people around me acting strangely. M has been a bit awol, and I dont know if it is my possibly move to Melb, or what, but she feels really distant. It makes me a bit lonely. :(

Best Laid Intentions

With the anxiety ++ last week I decided to have a nice wee weekend doing nice things for myself. I booked a hair appt to update the progress of the highlights, and I went shopping. It was really nice, something I haven't really done in ages...I tried a new hairdresser, and really prefer the way she has done it...

I did feel a little sorry for myself, being all alone, M was in Nelson, and I dont feel like I have so many friends here atm.....(no, not the poor mees!)

Food ++ (this week)
After my chat with the counsellor last week, I am trying to reorganise my eating habits.....but I let myself have the weekend....so now I am eating healthy. It is hell. But is day 2 and so far so good...last night instead of a family block of chocolate and a big bag of cheezls, I had a small caramello chocolate bar, and some pistachios. It was ok. But not the same....and am hanging out for my junk food hit tonight. I eat really well the rest of the time (got my home made bean burritos for lunch) but it is at night where it all falls apart...my counsellor thinks it is linked with teh anxiety....thank god for the drugs..

Smoking ++ (altho should be - - )
Altho food is nowhere near the hell of not smoking. Today is 17 days. 17 DAYS!I want a smoke ALOT....I am wearing my patches, and chewing my gum...maybe it has to get worse before it gets better....maybe I need to call the helpline. M has fallen off the no smoking wagon, and i feel a little superior.

Family - - -
I am having LOTS of family issues atm...my sisters are making my mothers life hell, yet she will do nothing about it. Except complain to me, alot. And it breaks my heart to hear her so unhappy and so depressed.....but I dont know what to do....

Work is good, have plenty to keep me occipied...and off to the gym tongiht!!

Best laid intentions.............

Recap

I think a recap is in order, as I have realised I haven't posted anything on this site since December! Is probably because I have been toooo busy checking out other people's blogs! There are some awesome ones! Puts my little attempt to shame!

Aus man - check
Things are going well with the Aus man...we came to visit for a week, and it went fab....DYING to move over and be closer to him..the job hunt continues..we got me the cutest lion toy for V day - he doesn't think I know why he chose it..but I do! Nothing gets past me! It is just over three months that we have been together. He is v sweet...

Job - check
I have a job, it is awesome, but it is in the wrong country.Aus/NZ is just tooo big a commute! The job hunt goes slowly...have 9 (approx) job applications in teh pipeline...cross fingers!

Not smoking - check
Have cut back on the drinking, and it has made SUCH a difference....is easier not to smoke, and I just dont want to drink so much...funny how these things go together...now if I could just stop eating anything that is stationary (ha ha stationery!!)

Sanity - not so much
Head in a bad space today. Anxiety ++. Am hanging out to go home. However I managed to sort out my bills, which was ++ awful, but now they are done, and I do feel a tiny bit better for it....ANTM is on tonight, and i can't wait! I have the latest MArie CLaire and jsut gonna rug up for it...maybe do some baking, have been online checking out recipes..have been craving coffee cake for the last couple of months...I got some great recipes off NZs favourite baker - or some varient of that. V indulgent....

This weekend am getting hair recoloured, and might do a bit of shopping - I NEED new clothes, everything is shabby/toosmall/too big/too short...wish me luck!!

Big weekend and am paying for it

Have been in a simply horrible mood for 1.5 days and counting.....is a mix of homocidal and hysterical....fortunately I have excellant self control....now that I have posted that, will people think I am a deranged mass murderer?

Cos am not. Just inclined towards the dramatic.

Two more hours at work, and then I get to go home, and be cross and eat chocolate all BY MYSELF!

Ha

Weekend with the Fam

I went to visit the fam this weekend, I flew up for my sister's 23rd birthday. I was totally prepared to fail at not smoking (I guess it was a done deal then?)...

I had five, or ten over three days...not tooo bad! Am not suffering too much today either :) Cravings definately feel more manageable! And am still sleeping soooo much better.

I had a chat with the Man. He has bought me a xmas present! WTF! I am not sure that he knows me well enough to give me something that I will not absloutely hate!

And now I have to get him something of course.....ohhhh the dilemmas.

I think that it is the sudden advancement of our situation that has me in a spin, especially after last week when he was sooo weird.

Anyway, enough thinking. I am gonna get him some sea monkeys for xmas. Too weird to be offensive, and the price point could go either way.

A winner!

Day 5 and have not broken to the evil (but oh so good) cancer stick yet..I even went to a pub, and drank alcohol and managed nto to smoke. Was so hard, but today I feel really proud of myself :)

FANTASTIC news yesterday. I have been applying for jobs overseas, where the bestie is, and I have my first interview! They would looove to interview me! Is quite the step up, and, did I mention it is also where my bestie is?

And it is also where the Man is. He knew I was applying for jobs there, and was fine, apparently he seemed to think it was a good idea. But when I told him about the latest breakthrough, he was less than enthusiastic. I know that possibly the idea of me coming over might seem a bit fast for him. But it is TOTALLY not about him! Have been hunting for a good overseas post for months, and I think I managed to communicate this. Still he seems rather freaked out, which was a bit of a bummer.

I got a wakeup txt from the bestie tho, she is absolutely thrilled re my impending interview, which reminded me of really why I am doing it. I miss her soooo much, and am eager to shift my career off shore.

Currently scheduling the phone interview...watch this space!!

So here goes

Sunday 29 November

So, I decided to give up smoking. It’s Sunday night, and I’ve been fortified in alcohol since Wednesday (seriously, I am in no way an alcoholic, functioning or otherwise, but it was a bit of a bender – extreme to say the least for me) smoking my lungs out, painting the town red, amber and pinot gris…. And I have just had enough. It’s been coming on awhile…I quit for three weeks in June, until I spent 3 days in Sydney, in close company with my chain-smoking mother … its taken 5 months for me to get back to that point.

It was easy the first time. In June I had only been smoking for 18 months – since I moved to Wellington to climb first career-rung into the public service. A friend (a reformed smoker) told me that the first three days were awful, and it’s all down hill from there. In June it was easy, so I’m ready to give it another go.

Another reason for quitting is that there is a man. This man is wonderful and kind and sweet, and really likes me. So I am quitting with him in mind. I know that the means may not be ideal, but the end is justified, right?

So at 8:35pm I finished my last cigarette, dug out the nicorette, and I'm going to bed.


Monday 30 November

I have some suggestions for the Quitline website…..how come there is NO information about the side effects of quitting? As I said, it was fairly easy the first time round…but this time? Not so much.

I go to work, furiously chewing my nicorette, and I get to my desk and my hands WILL NOT STOP SHAKING!
OMG I feel like an alcoholic. It is hard to type. I feel jittery and shaky, I have a coffee and a banana, with not much improvement. I eat another nicorette. And another….and another….I start getting hot flushes…is it hot it here? No…my hearing starts fading…fortunately I have fainted before and know what to expect…I slump (gracefully I hope) to the floor…fortunately within the privacy of my booth so no one else sees…

WTF? The Quitline people never told me that could happen!
I had to go lie down in the sick bay for half an hour until I recovered. I spent the rest of the day jittery and distracted. I email the man and he is totally sweet and supportive, and v concerned for me. He says he will rethink that nicorette diet he was contemplating. I am smitten. Did I mention he lives in another country?

Tuesday 1 December.

I am feeling better today. The shaking is much better, the cravings are tolerable, and I am on a course. I am fortified with supplies, and am popping them like lollies. At lunch time it occurs to me how much I rely on my cigarettes, as a social crutch. Our lunch break is an hour, it takes 5-10min to eat, maybe another 4 in the loo..that leaves 46 minutes to NOT SMOKE. But then I will have to talk to people? I feel awkward, and mildly irritated at the thought of small talk. Yes I should have been networking, and I did make some attempt (promise!) but I spent most of the time reading the paper…..as did others at my table, grateful, I think, to take my lead!

After the course I went to see Julie/Julia. I have totally been wanting to see it for ages, have read the book, heard the rave reviews, and I LOVED it…..but they spent half the bloody movie SMOKING….thank God you can’t smoke in movie theatres! My all-time favourite movie of the year!

Had a wonderful conversation with the Man after the movie. He has some dubious ideas on poilitics and feminism, however I am in a position to gently educate him. While v impt to me, not a deal-breaker. He is happy and sweet, and I am feeling v happy.

Later on I speak to my mother, “I haven’t heard from you in ages”……although I bet neither of us could identify the last time she called me! She lights a cigarette while we are talking, she does not know about the quitting yet….I tell her, and tell her that she has to be supportive. I am flying up this weekend to see my family for my sister’s birthday. I have a feeling it will be an extremely difficult weekend……

Wednesday 2 December 2009

Today I don’t think people are being supportive enough. Altho my bestie is, as usual, great. I email the man to tell him that I was buzzing after our conversation last night…he responds in the affirmative….

No one asks how I am getting on! Not even my recently quit friend. Yes, I do have an inkling that in fact, I am being unreasonable.

Still a little crabby, no shaking, but still craving. I think I upset the man, I did upset the friend. I sorted it with the friend, but I think I scared the Man.

I met the Man three weeks ago, visiting the bestie overseas. It was a romance made on facebook. As in my bestie showed him my fb pics, and he was keen. I played it cool when I met him, three weeks ago,and as it turns out he is lovely. But he is in another country. And I am slightly frustrated. I want to see him!!!! But there is no way that I can jimmy him into my schedule before next yr! But prolly best to keep it slow after the romantically disastrous year I have had.

I don’t do game-playing well. Am just not that sorta chick…but people (my mother) say is all about the game playing – the thrill of the chase-type bull shit. It is totally not me. If I see something I want I just go for it…..although apparently this has not worked well for my relationships to date……..

I had a beer with dinner. NOT a good idea, now all I wanna do is smoke…or get drunk and smoke. Alcohol is not conducive to not smoking, apparently.

How am I going to survive the weekend with my family!!!!!